So What Am I Afraid Of?

I am on to week two, prompt 8 of the Rise and Write  challenge. Write about fear you experienced (or are experiencing now). It can be a situation from your life, a fear of heights, of dogs, of closed small rooms or clowns… or a fear of being yourself, doing what you want to do, expressing yourself. Does your fear have a face, a voice, a smell, physical presence? Is it an abstract blob? How does it make you feel when you experience it? How does it make you feel when you look back at it? If it’s a fear you overcame, how did it happen?

What am I afraid of?  Waking up and having no forms of caffeine in the house would be a nightmare to me, and I might have to send the husband on an early morning errand. Caffeine withdrawal aside, there are not too many physical things that frighten me.  I love daring theme park rides, and airplane rides, and tall buildings and bridges.  I have a healthy respect for heights, but no fear, though have no desire to jump from an airplane for fun. I love the water.  My mother who had a good fear of open water and swimming pools, made sure we all could swim adequately.  I have the cautiousness needed when walking alone or small groups in isolated areas and at night, but no fear of being alone. I sometimes am uncomfortable with small spaces, but only if there is poor air flow and no outside view,  and it seems like it will be more than 15 minutes.  It isn't really  a fear, more a physical uncomfortableness. 

I do experience anxiety when in certain situations that go longer than I had mentally prepared myself for.  These are mostly family gatherings and parties, or an isolated situation that whacks me in the face when I had prepared for something else. This may be an oxymoron, but I do think people can be filled with anxiety when a situation gets beyond their control, and also be spontaneous.  I like days and times when there is no set agenda, I just need to have  a certain degree of control over the spontaneity, and know I have a back-up plan to move on if it isn't working for me. This is where the family stress comes in when I am  faced with  situations that are overly controlled by someone else. 

I used to have a fear of being  or getting lost.  Before the age of cellphones and GPS, I carefully mapped out my routes, got directions, found landmarks. I would get so flustered if I couldn't find the right place, and tiny variation in the correct directions  confused me. Part of the change has been in technology and part has been my work and having to be here to there and a few places in between, that I just had to get over it. Loving travelling and experiencing new places was another way I have not let the fear of being lost stop me from going places I've never been, without fear that I wouldn't find my destination, or my way back. I had  a minor dose of anxiety when the bus system in Paris was shut down on half the city, and we were on the wrong half, trying to get to the train station for a 7:00 departure.  I calmed myself down though and figured we could find a cab, expensive but doable, take the next hour train, or worst case, stay a night in Paris.  We ended up taking a cab, as we had made it closer to the station with a combination of walking to just in range for the bus, and taking that bus as far as we could,  the cost was only 10 Euros. Now, I look at these minor blips in direction as good stories.